What To Expect From Your Stepkids
by Susan Wilkins
All relationships are based on expectations.
Even those with children. When I first became stepmom I wasn't sure as to
what I could expect from my stepkids. I think I expected things to be as
kosher now as they were back then. Well, I was mistaken. Kids grow up, they
become more aware of their situations, their family dynamics and they change.
My stepkids were very young when I met
their father, my stepson was 5 and my stepdaughter was 3. They had been living
in a single parent home for 2 years. They saw their father weekly and things
were fine.... until life started to change around them. When we became a
family, there were not just two children sprinting delightfully around our
home, there were three, and two years later there were four! So you see,
things really did change for them. I expected my stepchildren "to roll with
it". Well, they did for the most part, but there were some surprises for
me as their stepmom.
I thought that I would become closer
to my stepchildren in time. In my case I was wrong unfortunately, blending
a family is very hard work for everyone. It is also time consuming for us
as parents. My husband and I were busy composing plans of action with respect
to discipline, trials and tribulations with biomom, financial difficulties,
etc... While we were doing this I lost touch with my stepkids emotionally.
I expected them to adjust to the "new family rules" and the new structure
of their family. Well, it wasn't that simple. We had to guide them through
these changes rather than just present these changes to them. Don't expect
your stepchildren to grow within your stepfamily without a helping hand.
It won't work.
A second surprise for me as a stepmom
was that I was not considered to be part of the family to one of them. This
was one of the biggest shockers for me. My stepdaughter had a very narrow
minded point of view when it came to her family. It was understandable, she
lived with her "Mom" for as long as she could remember. Her idea of family
was her mom, her brother, and her dad who lived down the road. The woman
and the little boy who lived with daddy were just long term visitors in her
mind. She also did not want to admit that her parents were not getting back
together.
Expect that your stepchildren will feel
the same way deep down inside at one point. This is normal, but can be upsetting
to a stepmom to hear.
Expect that your stepchildren can be
jealous at times when they feel out of place or that their territory has
been imposed upon. Children need reassurance and patience in this area. We
are still working on this area as a stepfamily.
Expect that the non-custodial stepchildren
will feel as though they are missing "stuff" when they are not with you.
Try to keep in touch with the kids as much as you can while they are with
the other parent, but try to do so in a casual way without imposing on the
custodial parent. Sometimes the time away from the non-custodial parent seems
endless to a child.
Expect your stepchildren to accept
their stepfamily at different rates. Some children take longer than others,
they need to work out the logistics in their own mind in their own time.
Expect your stepchildren to see you as "the outsider" for a time. They were
there before we were as stepmoms, we represent the failure of their own parents
relationship and for some children, that is hard to accept. Expect that
stepchildren can resent you for things that you had no part of and have no
control over. It isn't fair is it?
DON'T expect your stepchildren to
appreciate things that you do for them. If they didn't ask, don't expect
them to appreciate it. The same principle applies to the biomom. If she didn't
ask, don't expect any thanks. This is said without malice, it's just a fact.
This is one of the hardest things for a stepmom to accept. If a stepmom can
get over this, her life will be much more peaceful.
When blending a family it gets complicated,
and sometimes those complications multiply like rabbits! Keep things as simple
as possible. Expect your stepchildren to need extra reassurances, love and
attention. They didn't ask to be involved in a divorce and blended family.
With this in mind, try to have your mate (their father) attend to their emotional
needs as much as possible. Sometimes the stepmom sticks her neck out a little
too far and then becomes hurt. Know your boundaries and keep them. Keep your
expectations of your stepchildren simple and realistic.
About the Author:
Susan
Wilkins-Hubley is a 29 year old Canadian stepmom to two young children
and biological mother to two more. Her family is complete with "his", "her"
and "our" children, however all family members find themselves in the "ours"
category. Susan has been a stepmom for over four years and has experienced
the trials and tribulations that most other stepmoms face day to day. Susan tries to keep her family at peace
by mothering all of her children consistently and wearing ear plugs a lot
of the time :) Visit Susan's
website The Second Wives
Club
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