Bullying - Both Sides of The Fence
by Elizabeth Pantley
Whether your child is being bullied or is the bully, our parenting expert has some solid advice for you.
When Your Child is Acting Like a
Bully
Situation It has been brought to my attention that my child has been bullying other
kids at school. How can I help him improve his behavior?
Think about it At first you may want to blame the other kids, or the adult who brought
the information to your attention. You need to be honest with yourself to
determine the truth in the situation. If your child has been acting in aggressive
ways, you'll want to help your child have more positive interactions with
other children. Your child needs you on his side right now to help him learn
how to control his own behavior.
Solution #1: Instead talk about specific incidents. Ask helpful questions
to determine the reasons for your child's behavior. Brainstorm with him a
variety of options he would have as an alternative to being rough. Help him
learn new ways to handle the conflicts that arise with other children. Use
role-play to help your child practice new ways of responding to other
children.
Solution #2: If possible, arrange to have your child spend some time
with an older, responsible child. If you don't have any close family members
or friends that fit the bill, look into a Big Brother or Big Sister program.
It may help to find a mentor for your child who can teach good social skills
by example.
Solution #3: If you must discipline a child for a specific act, such
as punching another child at school, use discretion when deciding on a
consequence. Yelling, hitting or harsh punishment will only encourage your
child to continue his own aggressive behavior. Instead, look for constructive
consequences, such as assigning chores at home, or writing a note of apology
to the child who was hurt.
Solution #4: Discourage your child from spending time with friends
who behave in aggressive ways. (See: Friends, inappropriate choice of.) Encourage
your child to become involved in an organized youth activity. Participation
in a team or group often gives a child the social experience he may be lacking.
Another option is to enroll him in one of the social skills classes that
are now appearing in schools, churches and hospitals.
Solution #5: Enroll your child in a quality martial arts school. Visit
the school first and watch a few classes in action before you mention the
idea to your child. Choose a program with smaller class sizes. An authentic
program will teach restraint, respect, and self-control. A good martial arts
teacher will convey a quiet, reserved confidence. Talk with the teacher in
advance of classes to let him know your concerns about your child's behavior,
and what you are looking to achieve with the class. An experienced teacher
should make you feel confident that you are making the right choice for your
child. This may be just what your child needs to learn to control his physical
power, and to develop self-discipline. (And it's heartwarming to see your
child bow to the master and hear him end every sentence with a hearty "Sir"
or "Ma'am"!)
Special Note: If your child displays a continuing pattern of aggression
he may display other negative behaviors as well. He may display signs of
low self-esteem, have problems in school, spend excessive time alone, and
have a hard time controlling his anger. If this were the case, it would be
wise to seek professional counseling for your child, so that the reason for
the behavior can be discovered, and the child can learn to control his emotions
and learn to succeed socially.
When Your Child is the Victim of a Bully
Situation A bully is picking on my child. What can I do to stop this?
Think about it As much as you'd like to step in and solve this problem yourself, it's
probably in your child's best interest to teach him how to solve the problem.
Once he's learned the skills to stand up for himself he can use them in other
life situations.
Solution #1: Teach your child how to respond to a bully in a bold
assertive way. Practice with him at home in a role-play situation. Demonstrate
the difference between cowering and whispering, "Oh, go away, please leave
me alone." versus standing tall, using a deep, loud, voice and saying with
authority, "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Solution #2: Suggest that your child stick with two or more other
children when at the playground, the bus stop or wherever he comes face to
face with the bully.
Solution #3: If the bully problem is at school, tell your child that
if he's not successful in fending the bully off on his own it's okay to ask
for help from a teacher or playground attendant. Rehearse with him what to
say when he approaches an adult for help so he doesn't sound like he's whining
or tattling. "Excuse me, Mr. Watanabe, but Jason keeps chasing me and throwing
stones at me. I've asked him to stop but he won't." If your child practices
saying this at home he will come across sounding confidant and will more
likely get assistance from the teacher.
Solution #4: Teach your child to turn and walk away from a child who
is being a verbal bully, without so much as a word. Being ignored may cause
the bully to give up.
Solution #5: Determine if your child has healthy friendships with
other children. If your child is a regular victim and doesn't have many friends,
she can benefit by developing better social skills. Encourage your child
to invite friends over to your home or to invite them to accompany you on
an outing.
Special Note: If your child tries many different approaches but is
continually harassed by a bully, or if the bully is physically aggressive,
you may need to step in. It is rarely, if ever, effective to approach the
bully or his parent's directly. Instead, approach the school principal or
other person in a position of authority. If you lose your temper and yell,
it will be unlikely you'll get the help you need. Instead, take the time
to think about what you will cover in the meeting, and call ahead for an
appointment. Outline the specific behaviors that you are concerned with,
review the tactics you have used to try to stop the behavior, and have several
suggested solutions in mind. Approach the principal with a calm, matter-of-fact
attitude and you should be able to put together a plan to control the situation.
About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is author
of Perfect Parenting, Hidden Messages, & Kid Cooperation, and president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular
speaker on family issues. Elizabeth's newsletter, Parent Tips is seen in
schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest and has been
quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby,
Twins, Working Mother, and Woman's Day magazines.
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Whether your child is being bullied or is the bully, our parenting expert has some solid advice for you.
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